


We'll Always Have New Mexico

by cynatnite



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 08:35:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1157470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynatnite/pseuds/cynatnite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint Barton and Phil Coulson share a love affair in the background as the Avengers gather to fight their greatest enemy, Loki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We'll Always Have New Mexico

The first time Phil Coulson saw Clint Barton, he was a little taken aback by the raw sexuality. He had stuttered just a bit and it was noticed. Coulson steadied himself before talking.

“Director Fury is understandably concerned about the security breaches that have already occurred since discovery of the object. Did you choose your team?”

Clint saw it in the agent’s eyes and he almost grinned. He liked it best when he unsettled people, but this one had his full attention. He’d heard about the near perfect Phil Coulson. His by-the-book precision was obvious with the care he took as he adjusted the file on his immaculate desk and as he smoothed the dark tie. Clint resisted the urge to grab the tie and pull Coulson close.

“Only the best, sir. I even got Cage. Unless you widen the quarantine we’re not going to keep people far enough away.”

“The public line is it’s a radioactive satellite. Teams in town are going to warn the townspeople they should be checked at the local hospital. It’ll be enough to keep a lid on this.”

“So what is it?”

The small smile was an easy going one and Clint suspected that Coulson was a tough one to rattle. He followed the agent out of the office to the ramp overlooking a clump of dirt. Sitting on top was a hammer of sorts. The large head embedded into the dirt with the handle sticking up.

“What’s so special about it?” Clint asked.

“No one can move it. We suspect its origins are other than Earth. Its density can’t be measured. If it were possible, we’d have Banner’s alter ego make a go of it.”

Clint nodded. He now understood the importance of secrecy. “I need a hoist. Something that can get me a good view of the overall site.”

“We have detailed plans…”

“No, I see best from a distance.” He started to leave, then turned. “Want to get a beer later?”

“I don’t drink beer. I’m a Tom Collins man.”

Clint watched him walk away. Was that a yes or no?

~*~

 

Over the next 24 hours, Phil Coulson settled into his work in attempting to discover the source of the strange hammer. He would tell himself that’s what consumed him, but as he moved about the small complex, he could feel Clint Barton’s presence. It was almost as if he knew when the man was within eyeshot. Phil would turn and there he was. Their eyes would lock. Clint’s intensity shot into him and the urge to loosen his tie from the heat building within him was overwhelming. Phil would tear his eyes away and continue working. Never in his life was he feeling as undone as he was with Clint Barton only a stone’s throw away from him at all time.

Phil was glad for the distraction when he got word about the research a scientist by the name of Jane Foster. She was as close as anyone had ever gotten about what was going on here in New Mexico and unfortunately, he had to put a stop to it.

When he returned to the site, he found Clint in the weapons room. The man was adjusting a bow.

“Interesting choice of weapons,” Phil observed.

“It’s the perfect weapon.” Clint held it and pulled back keeping his focus ahead of him. “No one knows the arrow is coming. You can be as fast as lightening, but the arrow is soundless and precise. I can close my eyes and know that it will not deviate from where I direct it.”

Phil could appreciate Clint’s sentiments. “How good are you?”

Clint brought the bow down and gazed into Phil’s eyes. At that moment, he wanted to show the agent just how good he was and not in the way that answered the intended question.

“Come on.”

Phil followed and they went to the cage the hoist was attached to. As they were raised above the site, Phil grabbed a hold of the rails to steady himself from the rocking.

“I told that idiot Agent Franklin to not hang his jacket on the trailer on the south end of the site,” Clint explained. He took an arrow and readied it on the bow. “Do you see it?”

“Yeah, he always leaves his cellphone in it.”

“I know.” Clint aimed at the jacket for a moment, then lowered his bow. He turned his head, looked at Phil and with a near smile said, “Take off your tie.”

“My tie?” Phil was off balance and not just by the gentle sway of cage. He knew he was failing at hiding his nervousness as he did as instructed. “Now what?”

“Blindfold me.”

Phil did as ordered careful not to touch Clint’s skin. He was undone by his close proximity of the agent. “The cage is rocking, there is a breeze up here, you’re blindfolded and you lowered your bow. The odds aren’t in your favor.”

As soon as Phil finished, Clint fired the arrow off in a flash. He removed the tie and with a grin, handed it to Phil. In the background they could hear a distinct voice cursing about a broken phone. 

To say Phil was surprised at the precision would be an understatement. He carefully worked the tie back into place. “Fury said he was sending the best. How did you learn to do that?”

“I ran away and joined the circus.” Clint lowered the cage and after it was on the ground, he stepped out. “How about I drink a beer and I get you that Tom Collins? I’ll tell you my life story.”

Phil hoped he wasn’t blushing. “You have a Tom Collins?”

“There’s a bar in town.”

It was an offer that Phil was seriously considering, but looking at the impossibly sexy man reminded him of the insanity any kind of relationship would be. “Maybe another time.”

It wouldn’t have mattered, Phil realized later. A torrential downfall of rain had muddied the site and he was now monitoring an intruder. Clint was watching the fight in the mud and questioned stopping it. That gave Phil pause.

Much to Phil’s surprise, the large blond had made it to the hammer through layers of the best security in the world. _Unless you count Barton_ , he remembered. He could have ordered the agent to shoot him, but didn’t. Studying him, Phil was glad he didn’t.

He let the giant blond go and heard Clint step up behind him. “Follow them,” he ordered.

“Why are you letting him go?”

“There’s more than meets the eye. I’m sure you know that. Plus, I have the feeling we wouldn’t have been able to hold him. We’ll learn more about him this way. Report to me when you get back.”

Clint almost grinned as he left. He was more than happy to follow that order.

~*~

Phil opted for a cot in one of the trailers rather than the more comfortable motel in town. He wanted the quietness plus he could keep an eye on things here at the site. There was too much happening for him to let his guard down.

The knock at the door got his attention and he glanced at his watch. He opened it and Clint came inside carrying two cups.

“Got a towel?”

Phil pulled a towel off a rack and held it out for Clint. “What’s that?”

“Two Tom Collins.” Clint dried his wet hair. After a brief cessation, the rain had picked back up again. “The bartender didn’t know how to make it. I slipped him a few bucks to let me get behind the bar.”

“Thanks.” Phil wasn’t going to turn it down. A good drink was a welcome relief after the last few days. He took the lid off the cup and sipped it. “This is good.”

Clint tossed the towel aside and got his cup. “I had to use ordinary sugar.”

“You watched them?”

“Yep,” Clint answered. He slipped off his jacket and relaxed in the chair without being told it was okay. He had no intention of leaving this intimate setting. “They put away more boilermakers than anyone I’ve ever seen.”

“Dr. Selvig is Scandinavian,” Phil explained. “His people have a robust tolerance.”

“He couldn’t hold his own compared to that giant.” Clint took another drink and wondered when Phil would take off that damnable tie. “Selvig had to be carried home.”

“I’ve got a team watching them.”

Clint looked over at the desk and noticed the cards. “Captain America?”

Phil couldn’t hold back the smile. “I collect things, old things. I’ve been collecting them for a year or so. One more and I’ll have the entire set.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“I’ll show you.” Phil opened the laptop and took a few moments to search. He found the picture of the card and showed it to Clint. “This one has been the hardest. Every time it comes up on eBay, I get outbid when the time runs out. Can’t seem to catch a break.”

“You will.”

“Yeah.” Phil finished off his drink. “I imagine we’ll have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”

Clint kept his place and took another sip of his drink.

“You don’t think it’s time to leave?”

“No.”

Phil swallowed the lump in his throat and shifted his stance. “Why not?”

“Because you don’t want me to leave.”

“I don’t.”

“No.” Clint set his unfinished drink aside. He had intentionally taken care of his alcohol consumption not just because of his job, but because he wanted to have all his faculties when he took Coulson to his bed.

Phil was stunned into silence as Clint stood, slid off his jacket and then pulled off the tight t-shirt. He didn’t realize that his gaze focused on Clint’s chest and then moved to the semi-hard erection confined to the tight jeans.

“Don’t worry. You’re going to love handling it and it’s gonna love you.”

When Clint was just a hair’s breath away from him, Coulson whispered, “Shit.”

Clint’s low chuckle made his cock twitch and then his mouth was locked in a heated kiss. Phil moaned as a tongue snaked inside to take control. He let his jacket fall to the floor and suddenly realized that Clint’s body was molding into his. He reached around and pulled him tight.

Clint broke the kiss and was nearly out of breath. “Damn it, Coulson. My dick is ready to explode.”

“Call me Phil.” Phil stripped off his tie and shirt. He was mesmerized by Clint removing the last of his clothes.

They hit the cot together skin to skin. Clint moved on top of Phil and after taking a hold of his lover’s hard erection, he gave him another hot kiss. He then whispered in his year, “Been dreaming of this since the first time I saw you.”

“I know.” Phil relished in the sex and rocked his hips. “I thought you were going to fuck me across my desk.”

“It’s not out of the realm of possibility.”

“God.” Phil grabbed onto Clint’s hips and they moved together as one eager for their climax.

“Yeah,” Clint breathed. “Come on. I’m gonna fuck you through the bed next.”

“Shit!” Phil climaxed when the image of Clint taking him appeared before him.

Just as Clint promised, he turned Phil to his stomach and fucked him. Phil met him thrust for thrust and found himself ready to orgasm a second time in as many minutes. Clint’s hands grabbed onto his hips and the fucking reached a new level in intensity. Both men yelled their release and collapsed on the bed covered in sweat and sex.

“I’ll never walk again.” Phil breathed.

Clint laughed a little and grabbed the towel he had used to dry off. He rose up and carefully cleaned Phil’s body. “You have an amazing body.”

“I have a body fit for a man my age.”

“Trust me…you don’t.” Clint moved in close and kissed him.

“Glad I didn’t make you leave.”

“I’m not planning on it for the duration of this mission.”

“Good.” Phil grinned and looked up at the drab ceiling. “We’ll have to be careful. SHIELD isn’t known for its tolerance for fraternization in the command structure.”

“I’m not known for playing by the rules. You are, so I’ll make sure there isn’t a crowd around.”

“I’m counting on you not missing a night.”

This time it was Phil’s turn to be the aggressor as he leaned in for a kiss.

~*~

The mission turned into more than they bargained for when a destroyer of sorts showed up nearly leveling the town and injuring several people. It was fortunate that no one had died. After the man known as Donald disappeared, Phil gave Jane Foster back her property and assured her more than enough funds to continue her research. She got free reign and SHIELD got the classified results.

They spent a week cleaning up the aftermath and Phil enjoyed every single night with Clint. Their relationship had evolved quickly into a passionate love affair that neither wanted to see end.

After a heated session of lovemaking, Phil strolled from the bed and brought back two bottles of cold water from the fridge. He handed one to Clint and sat at the foot of the bed with his back against the wall. After a drink, he ran his hand along Clint’s leg.

“The only exercise I’ve gotten this week is in bed with you.”

“Well, I’m hopeful we can have a hell of a lot more workouts.”

“I’ve been ordered to the Hub. Fury’s been given the go-ahead for a major research facility in the desert.”

“The Sandbox?”

“No, someplace else. It’s level 6.”

“I take it I’ll be sent to Turkey or Russia for black ops.”

“I’ll talk to Fury. All he needs to know is that I prefer you on my team.”

Clint had a devilish grin. “Why, Agent Coulson, are you saying that you’ll do me a favor as long as **I do you** a favor.”

Phil wished he could laugh. “If we’re going to keep doing this, we need to lay some ground rules.”

“I fucking hate rules.” Clint knew this conversation was long in coming.

“In our line of work we never know if someone we care about…”

“This is why fraternization in the ranks isn’t liked. One of us gets compromised, all of us are compromised.”

“If something happens to me…”

Clint sat up. “Hey, nothing is going to.”

“Clint, we have to talk about this. As much as I care about you, business has to come ahead of everything as long as we’re with SHIELD.”

“I know that.” Clint sunk back on the pillow. “Ever since that thing was sent down from who the hell knows where I’ve wondered what else is out there. If they can make something like that, what else can they do?”

“This is probably just the beginning. What we do at SHIELD has to take priority and business has to come first. We both know it. No matter what, our focus has to be on the work we do.”

With a heavy sigh, Clint set the bottle aside. “It’ll take time you know. I’ll still get sent to some far away country with Natasha.”

It was obvious Clint hated the idea, but would still accept it. “She’s good.”

“She’s the best,” Clint said seriously. “She saved my ass more than once.”

“Good. I want your ass in one piece.”

Their last night together was spent in the midst of hot needy sex and whispered promises. They stayed up through the night into the early daylight hours. Clint was reluctant to leave and after he had dressed, he gave Phil a needy kiss wishing it would last longer.

~*~

In the months that it took for the arrangements to be made, Phil and Clint’s secret rendezvous’ were few and far between. Clint was finally assigned to the new facility with Phil. That first week, they had no alone time with their new duties. Seeing to the excessive secrecy was a full time job and Clint wasn’t going to let not just Director Fury down, but most especially Phil.

Phil had never been happier. In other relationships, he always had to take care of every aspect of his behavior. For the first time in his life, he didn’t have to. It made it that much easier given his intense feelings for Clint.

It was late in the evening when he Nick Fury signaled for him. Phil followed him to an isolated hallway.

“Can I help you, Director?”

Fury put his hands on his hips. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Sir?”

“You and Barton.”

“I don’t…”

“Coulson, does this look like the face of someone who was born yesterday?”

No one could ever mistake Fury for a fool. “No, sir. I can promise you that it’s not interfering with business.”

“So far.”

“You think it will.”

“We can’t afford a distraction…especially now. If something happens…”

“Sir, Barton and I already discussed that scenario. We both agreed that no matter what, business comes first. We knew that when we signed up.”

“I’ll keep it under wraps, but I suggest you take greater care.”

“Sir,” Phil said. “If I may ask, how did you know?”

“Look at my face, Phil. Need I say it again?”

“No, sir.” Phil couldn’t contain the smile.

“Damn it, Coulson, stop calling me sir. It’s Nick or Fury.”

“Yes, sir.”

Exasperated, Fury waved his hand and walked away.

~*~

It was late into the night when Clint got to Phil’s quarters. Once inside, they met for a heated kiss.

“What took you so long?” Phil asked.

“Are you kidding? I’ve had the new men training for three hours and then I had reports to write. I never had to write a report before taking this damn job.”

“There is a lot at stake.”

“Yeah. Selvig had to give me a remedial science class on that thing. That bastard’s hated my guts ever since I added more security.”

“No business, Clint. Not here.”

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Clint reached inside of his pocket and took out a plastic sandwich bag. “Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday or whatever.”

Phil took it and when he looked down, he couldn’t believe his eyes. It was the missing Captain America card from his collection. “How?”

“I know a few people. You didn’t have it, did you?”

“No, this one is next to impossible to find. It must’ve cost you a fortune.”

“A small one.” Clint smiled. He loved seeing how pleased Phil was with the gift. “With you being on the front lines with Fury, maybe you can get an autograph.”

“Maybe.” Phil set it down on the table.

“Hey, promise you’ll ask.”

Phil couldn’t stop grinning. He had missed Clint like crazy. “I will just to show off. You have most of the comics.”

Clint went to the small bed and slid off his black t-shirt. “I’ve only got a few hours. I have to roster my squad. Fury wants me on standby in the lab tomorrow.”

“About Fury,” Phil said. “He knows about us.”

“What? How?”

“He could see it. We have to be more careful.”

“I don’t see how we could be more careful.”

“Fury was a highly decorated SHIELD agent before becoming director. It’s no surprise he could read our expressions when we’re in the same room.”

“Great,” Clint muttered. He sat on the bed and kicked off his shoes. “Now, we can’t even look at each other without someone figuring it out.”

Phil got under the covers. “I’ve got an idea for a new team that I’ve been kicking around in my head for the last few days. I think I might have enough influence with Fury to pull it off. If I can swing it, we can work together on a fulltime basis.”

“I can’t stand us being apart like this, Phil.” Clint got into bed next to him. “I want it permanent.”

“What are you saying?”

“I love you, Coulson.”

Phil pulled Clint close and whispered on his cheek, “I love you.”

Their lips met and the darkness enveloped the lovers.

~*~

All hell had broken loose. A god had shown up on their doorstep and stolen the Tesseract. Phil had watched the complex fall in on itself and as the truck sped away, he listened to the radio as personnel radioed their statuses. He nearly got on the radio and called Clint’s name. He couldn’t. Procedure didn’t allow for it. Not only that, business came first.

SHIELD agents set up a temporary complex 10 miles down the road. Phil stepped in until Director Fury’s arrival and made ready for the next stage of operations. He knew where they were going next.

As soon as he saw Fury, he hurried over. “I’ve got three planes in the air headed to the helicarrier. I’m taking another one to New York when I go see Stark. We recovered 90% of the phase 2 armaments.”

“How soon?”

“Two hours. I’m trying to run down Tasha. She’s working a low level gun operation.”

“Put a rush on it. We need her.”

Director Fury and Phil Coulson got in the back of an SUV. As it sped, Fury turned towards Phil. “It was Loki. He forced his way in from the other side of the portal.”

“It destabilized the portal and brought down the complex.”

“Phil…”

“You never call me that.”

“He has Barton.”

The news was enough to give Coulson pause. He clenched and unclenched his jaw to get a handle on his emotions. Clint needed his level head. 

“That’s not possible. Agent Barton would’ve killed him even if it meant…”

“That’s not how he got him. He used his staff to get Barton, Selvig and another one of the agents to go along. No one hesitated to do Loki’s bidding.”

“Sir, Clint Barton may not be showing it, but I can promise he’s fighting Loki as hard as any of us would if we were in his shoes.”

“You okay?”

“Yes, sir. Business comes first. We both knew that.”

“Barton is still compromised. We need to track all his assets. He’ll be giving Loki a lot of intel.”

“Rule 33.”

“When we get him back, he’ll be reinstated,” Fury promised.

Phil wasn’t going to hold Fury to that promise. Rule 33 meant that Clint was no longer Agent Clint Barton. Instead, he was a wanted fugitive of SHIELD. If they couldn’t bring him in, they would kill him.

Once at the helicarrier, Phil tracked down Natasha and she told him how to find all of Clint’s assets. While he was seeing Stark and she was talking to the big guy, various agents were listing the whereabouts of Barton’s assets.

Phil wasn’t surprised that nothing came of the search. Clint was a capable agent and would make sure that not one of his assets would be touched. Barton would know that he was a Rule 33 status by now.

His gaze went to the computer screen with Clint’s picture as Fury spoke with Banner. He hated what he was doing as he approached the console. “Go to his brother’s email contacts. Cross match the initials with the date of births. Any matches will need a standard background check. Those that come back with criminal backgrounds send an agent to track them.”

“What have you got, Coulson?”, Fury asked.

“He has unlisted assets. I remember him telling me that he sometimes hacks his brother’s old email address.”

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“I don’t know, sir.”

“I’ll wake you in 3 hours. Sooner if anything breaks.”

“Sir, I might be able to reach him.”

“We won’t give up on him even if everyone else has. You’ve got my word.”

Phil knew he needed rest. Without it, he’d be worthless when they got Clint back. He headed to his quarters and sat on the cot. After rubbing his eyes, he removed his jacket and caught the Ziploc bag with the Captain America trading cards. Phil fingered the cards and remembered when Clint had given the long sought card. It had been their last night together. He got up and opened his locker. Phil set the cards on the shelf inside and then proceeded to undress. Once he got on the bed, he was fast asleep.

~*~

“I need a distraction and an eyeball.”

Suddenly, Clint realized where he was at and what he was doing. His eyes met Loki’s and before anyone had a chance to react, he grabbed a quiver of arrows, kicked Loki to his back and sprinted away as fast as he could. He had no qualms about using arrows to clear the path of SHIELD enemies in order to aid his escape.

He was almost to the end when a powerful blast got him in the back. He hit the ground hard and had the wind knocked out of him. Clint struggled to get up and before he could get fully to his feet, he was grabbed and dragged to Loki who stood over him with the staff in hand.

“Agent Barton, you certainly have heart. My control is difficult to break from even the most single-minded of individuals.”

“Fuck you!” Clint bit out.

Loki’s slanted grin hardened his face. He reached forward and tried to touch Clint’s cheek. The agent turned his head away.

“You’ve taught me so much about this SHIELD, Agent Barton, but I suspect there is much more to tell. This time, I will reach deeper inside of you than even I find unsettling. Searching for weaknesses does take sacrifice.”

Loki shifted the staff and laid his hand on the side of Clint’s head. As he touched the staff to Clint’s chest, the connection brought forth imagery of Coulson. Their intense feelings brought a roar of pain from Clint.

“No!” Clint yelled.

“This Coulson,” Loki said keeping his focus on the images of the agent. “He’s beloved by all of Earth’s heroes. More so than even your Nick Fury.”

Clint struggled to keep even the most intimate moments they had shared inside. The pain was agonizing and even Loki felt it. He steeled himself against the agent’s pain.

“You are not allowed to keep your secrets, Agent Barton!” Loki narrowed his focus even more and then a rush of imagery and emotions poured from Clint like a tidal wave. Loki took it all inside.

The scream from Clint was more than physical pain. The emotional torture was nearly more than he could bear. He had betrayed not only SHIELD, but also Phil Coulson. The only person he had ever loved in his life.

Loki broke the contact and kept the staff on Clint’s chest insuring complete obedience. “There won’t be a second opportunity.”

Dr. Erik Selvig approached and he rubbed the stubble across his face. The lack of sleep was apparent. “We still need him.”

“Agent Barton will do all that I ask eagerly,” Loki replied. “He’s going to insure my capture and my escape.”

“Oh?”

Loki looked to the men holding an exhausted Clint. “Take him to my chambers.”

When he turned to leave, Erik asked, “Where are you going?”

The smile appeared even more malevolent than ever before. “To test Agent Barton’s compliance.”

~*~

Cognitive reconditioning. That was Natasha called it. The knock in the head had been enough to loosen Loki’s grip on him, but he doubted he’d ever be completely free of the Norse god. Clint washed his face and looked in the mirror. He wondered if Phil would hate him as much as he hated his own guts right now.

Clint couldn’t think about that now. They were on high alert and SHIELD was on a war footing. Phil was probably trying to coordinate teams to ready for Loki. Business came first. He was more than happy to put business first. He didn’t have to think about everything Loki had done to him. If Clint had his way, no one would know.

By the time the battle was over, they had managed to save New York and the world with little loss of life. Clint was ready to find Phil and melt into his arms. He needed his lover more than he needed anything in this life. Just the reassurance that Phil’s love remained intact was all that Clint wanted.

The Avengers they called themselves. Clint liked it. He wanted nothing more than to plant his arrow deep into Loki’s brain. He pulled back tightly on the bow insuring maximum amount of thrust so that the arrow was deeply embedded in Loki's skull.

Natasha’s touch was the only reason why he didn’t. He stepped back while Thor grabbed Loki. The restraints were Asgardian guaranteed Loki couldn’t escape.

As they were being applied, Loki laughed. “Agent Barton, have you no fond remembrances of our time together?”

“Enough, Loki,” Thor ordered.

“But we shared so much, brother.” Loki was pulled along. “He didn’t tell you of our more intimate moments?”

Clint almost went after him, but it was Steve Rogers who put a hand on his shoulder. “You know what he’s doing.”

Clint nodded. He turned around and started away, but froze at Loki’s next words.

“After all, Agent Coulson and I did have our tender moment.”

He shook Natasha's hand off his arm and stared hard at Loki. “What?”

“I call it a heart to heart. You’d call it my staff through his still beating heart!”

It took less than a second for Loki’s words to sink in and when it did, Clint’s rage exploded and he tore after the god. Even the superheroes couldn’t keep Clint’s reaching fingers from Loki’s throat. They managed to separate the two and Steve looked at Tony.

“Stark, get him out of here now!”

“No, wait!” Clint was yanked away and pulled into the sky.

They landed on a rooftop and Tony let Clint go. He watched him drop his weapons and then sink to his knees.

“I’m sorry,” Tony said. “Coulson never said you two…”

Clint covered his eyes. Nothing would hold back the pain and nothing would stop the images of their last moments together.

“I killed him. God, I killed him!” Clint cried out.

“No!” Tony knelt next to him. “Loki did it. He knew that Coulson…”

“How do you think he knew, Stark? He got in my fucking head and then I lead the strike force against SHIELD. I nearly took down the helicarrier and murdered my brothers!”

“If I thought telling you over and over that Loki was the one in control this entire time, you’d never believe me. I could get a thousand doctors to show you all the medical evidence in the world proving that. It won’t matter. You’re the only one who can convince yourself of what really happened to you. It was war, Barton. Loki waged it and used you in order to hurt us where it counted.”

“He’s dead because of me. I ordered mercenaries to free Loki at all cost.”

“I know why Coulson did it.”

“What?”

“He took one of the experimental weapons to where Loki was being held. He thought he could kill him. It made sense and probably would have worked. Killing Loki would break his hold on you and stop the attack. He was trying to save you, Agent Barton.”

“Business was supposed to come first.”

“Loki thought killing Coulson would destroy the Avengers. He was wrong.”

“Yeah.” Clint got to his feet and took a deep breath. “He got that from me. I want to be there when Thor leaves Earth with him.”

“You’ll probably get pretty much everything you want.”

“Except for one of Fury’s debriefings. Those are a bitch.”

“Do you want to go to the helicarrier?” Tony asked. “You can see him.”

Him was Coulson. Clint nodded. “Yeah, I won’t get another chance.”

~*~

“His body isn’t here.”

The simple fact of statement from Fury drew stunned silence from the Avenger team. Clint was the first to react.

“What do you mean his body isn’t here? Where is it?”

“It’s on ice. I had it sent to the Sandbox, our top research facility.”

“The top research facility for the most dangerous tech on the planet and beyond,” Stark finished. He looked at Clint. “The Sandbox is buried deep in the Sahara for one reason only. The facility is barely containable.”

“Why would you take Coulson there if it's that risky?” Thor asked.

“We think we can bring him back with the tech we have on hand.”

“How?” Clint went to Fury sure that he was living in a twilight zone. “He’s been dead for hours.”

“He’ll remain dead until we can bring back the Coulson we knew.”

“What does that mean?” Natasha could see the hope on Clint’s face. She knew to temper her expectations.

Fury turned to the room prepared to tell them everything. “We can bring his body back, but his brain is another matter altogether.”

“The time without blood and oxygen caused massive cascading atrophy,” Bruce informed the room. “Permanent neurological damage occurs which is irreversible.”

“I have scientists who may be able to improvise our tech in order to do the repairs,” Fury told him.

“How long will it take?” Clint asked. “Can they really bring Coulson back?”

"You're talking about an extensive rewiring," Bruce explained. "Even if you have the ability, doing it will take days...maybe weeks depending on the severity of the damage."

“The question shouldn’t be when or how,” Steve told them. “Should anyone be doing this at all? Do we have the right?”

“You’re alive, Cap,” Tony told him. “I don’t see you telling Fury to plant you back into the ice. I think most everyone here wants Coulson back where he belongs.”

“The call is mine," Fury said. "I’m more than happy to have a live Coulson hating my guts.”

“I have to be there,” Clint said. “Can you arrange it?”

“I’m still trying to reverse your Rule 33. Once you’re debriefed, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Not until after we eat,” Tony told the room. “Come on. We’re getting shuwarma.”

“I thought you were joking about that,” Steve told him.

“I didn’t buy the place for its looks. Well, I did.” Tony waited for Clint. “Agent Barton, it’s not an Avenger lunch unless you’re with us.”

Clint nodded. He’d eat, but he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. Turned out no one was either. The weight of the battle behind them, Coulson’s death and the prospect of bringing him back was foremost in everyone’s minds. Not a word was spoken through the entire meal.

~*~

Three days later Clint and Natasha made their way through the secret complex known as the Sandbox. They were several levels underground with winding hallways. Clint had gotten his status as an agent reinstated as Director Fury had promised. He still got suspicious looks from other agents for his part in the helicarrier attack. He couldn’t blame them. He’d never forgive himself for the part he played in Loki’s plans to take over the planet.

He had been with the group to see Loki off and while the Norse god had a muzzle of sorts keeping him silent, Clint could read the promised return in his eyes. He’d be waiting with an arrow with Loki’s name on it. That was his silent promise. Nothing would stop him from killing Loki at their next encounter.

He and Natasha were led to an observation room. Clint went to the window and looked down at the gurney. He watched Phil’s body being prepared while a variety of monitors and other medical equipment stood close by. Several technicians were about the room readying for surgery. The flat line on the screen gave no doubt that Phil Coulson was still dead.

Dr. Streiten entered the room with another physician. “This is Dr. Goodman and I’m Dr. Streiten. Director Fury ordered me to brief you about what we’re doing.”

“Where is he?” Natasha asked.

“He’ll be here in a few days. We think the technology is up to the task of bringing Agent Coulson back,” Dr. Streiten explained.

“This will be the seventh attempt for Coulson and my first,” Dr. Goodman said.

“What are you going to do to him?” Clint couldn’t take his eyes off of Coulson. He looked as if he could wake up any minute.

“In order to reinstate his vitals so they will operate on their own, we need to repair the atrophy in the brain,” Dr. Streiten elaborated. “We can preserve his physical body, but without a working nervous system not even breathing is possible. It will require repairing each neuron on a submolecular level.”

“In essence, we will be rewiring his central nervous system beginning with each neuron," Dr. Goodman told them.

“How is that possible?” Natasha glanced at Clint who hadn’t moved from his spot.

“We can’t tell you,” Dr. Goodman answered. “It’s a level 8 clearance.”

“Clint?” Natasha asked.

“Do it,” he said. “Just like Fury said.”

“Get comfortable,” Dr. Streiten said. “This will take several days of work.”

“Let’s get some coffee,” Natasha told Clint.

They found the break room and Natasha went to the coffee pot. “How are you holding up?”

“Fine.” Clint anxiously moved about the room.

Natasha poured a cup and added one sugar just the way Clint liked. “You are a terrible liar.”

“This is their seventh try, Nat. Can you believe it? Seven times.”

She handed the cup to Clint. “They won’t give up.”

“Maybe Rogers is right. Maybe we don’t have the right.”

“If they can bring him back, don’t you want to try?”

“Yeah, but after this much time?”

Natasha sat on the couch and looked up at Clint. “He told me about you and him.”

“He did?” Clint joined her. “We were trying to keep it a secret.”

“Coulson always sounded so normal even in the worst of circumstances. Nothing ever seemed to get to the guy.” Natasha looked into her cup of coffee as she recollected the conversation. “When he told me you had been compromised, there was something in his voice.”

“What was it?”

“Desperation. I’m not sure if anyone else would have heard it, but I’ve worked with Coulson before. He was always so unflappable. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me everything.”

“God, Nat, I want him back so bad.” Clint rubbed his eyes. “I’m as desperate as Fury is.”

“I know.” She reached over and took his hand in hers.

~*~

Four days later and they were still working on Coulson. Natasha had been pulled for an assignment. It left Clint standing watch. From time to time, Director Nick Fury would appear and check on Phil Coulson’s progress.

Hope leapt into his chest when he was brought to the observation room. Phil’s eyes were open and he was breathing on his own. The horrific site almost caused Clint to lose his lunch. Coulson’s brain was exposed and a strange kind of tech was busy as if it were a mother spider caring for its young.

He glanced at Fury who was observing next to him. “He’s alive.”

“Yes, but the Coulson we know isn’t here yet. That will take even more time.”

“What is that thing?”

“I can’t tell you, Agent Barton. You aren’t even supposed to be here. I wanted you to see him alive.”

“Yeah, okay.” The relief in Clint’s chest was like someone had taken Thor’s hammer off of it. “He’s going to be okay.”

The following day Clint was coming back with a cup of coffee when he heard a blood-curdling scream from the operating room. He dropped the hot liquid and shot into the observation room. At the window, he looked at an immobile Coulson screaming.

“God, make it stop! Please stop!”

“What’s wrong with him?” Clint yelled.

Dr. Goodman hit the speaker switch. “It’s the neuron repairs. Each one is being stimulated as it's repaired. The machine is testing each neuron to insure viability.”

Clint closed his eyes and tried to block out Phil's tortured cries. “How long will it take?”

Dr. Goodman looked to Dr. Streiten who shook his head. Clint hit his fist on the window. No one had any fucking answers and he was ready to blast into the OR and tear apart the machine causing Phil Coulson so much pain.

He tore himself away and even going into the hallway didn’t muffle the screams of agony enough. It wouldn’t do any good. Clint was sure of that. He would hear Phil’s pain for the rest of his life.

Over 24 hours later, the agonizing repairs continued. Coulson’s torture wasn’t abating one bit and it was taking an emotional toll on everyone, especially Phil Coulson. After some begging, he was allowed in the OR and taken to Phil’s bedside.

“I’m here. Just hold on a little while longer.” Clint wished he could take Phil’s hand in his. The gargantuan tech continued its agonizing work.

“Let me die. God, let me die!”

“Please, don’t say that,” Clint told him. Seeing the misery on Coulson's face was more than he could bear.

It was as if the torture didn’t allow Coulson to see past it even though his eyes were on Clint. Another cry broke from him. “I want to die!”

Clint was taken out of the room and he heard Dr. Staiten wanting to stop the procedure. Goodman insisted on continuing. Nick Fury was waiting for him in the hallway.

“He’s had enough, Fury. Let him go!”

“No.” The refusal was absolute.

“You fucking bastard!”

“Do you think I’m going to let that son of a bitch Loki win?”

“Is that what you think this is about, Fury?” Clint yelled back. “Loki winning? Phil wants to die! He’s fucking begging to die!”

“You and I both know we haven’t heard the last of Loki. He’s not going to use Phil Coulson’s death against us like he tried to do. He will not destroy any of my people,” Nick Fury vowed.

“At what cost?” Clint got close to Fury. “Coulson will pull the plug on himself if he gets half a chance because of what they’re doing to him in there.”

“That’s why I came down here. We can make Coulson forget this.”

“How?” Clint demanded.

“I called Banner and he sent the specs for replacing Coulson’s memories. One of my people can do it. All we need to do is program the machine and tell it what memory to give him.”

Clint nearly broke down laughing. “You think that’s all there is. We erase this hell we put him in and give him a pretty picture out of a movie instead?”

“What choice have we got? At least this way, he won’t want to die anymore.”

“Goddamn.” Clint rubbed his eyes and ran his hands over his hair. “What the fuck was I thinking selling my soul to you people?”

“You know him best, Agent Barton. What memory would he want?”

“I’m actually going to fucking go along with this.” Clint couldn’t believe what he was about to do. “He always wanted to go to Tahiti. Said he thought it looked magical.”

And with that statement, Clint felt like he had put the final nail in his own coffin. In order to save Phil, he’d have to betray him…again.

~*~

Phil Coulson couldn’t be more pleased. After some months of work, his new team was coming together. Even Skye was acclimating quite nicely with the group. They were becoming close.

She appeared in his office with a box. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Phil closed the file. “What have you got there?”

“Director Fury had it sent over for you. I wanted to peek, but I decided I wanted to be surprised, too.”

“That’s good of you,” Phil said with a smile. He took the box from her and set it on his desk. After removing the lid, he lifted up a black three-ring binder.

“Do you think its homework?”

“I hope not.” Phil opened it and he was pleasantly surprised. “My trading cards.”

Skye leaned forward. “He is dreamy.” She saw a red splotch on one of the cards. “What’s that?”

“Blood. Specifically mine. Director Fury used it to get the team motivated after my unfortunate encounter with Loki.” Phil flipped to the next page of cards. His eyes went do another one that had quite a bit of blood on it. Captain America stood with a salute. “I don’t remember this one.”

“What?”

“Before New York I had been trying to get this card. It’s one of the rarest cards of the set and it costs a small fortune on eBay.”

“Well, maybe Director Fury replaced it.”

“Why is there blood on it?”

“Maybe you just forgot. You did die.”

“Maybe,” Phil murmured not taking his eyes off the bloodied card.

After she was gone, Phil closed the book and went to his laptop. He spent the better part of an hour tracing his other card purchases until he accounted for each of them. The only exception was the mysterious appearing Captain America card that he had been searching for. He had still regretted never making more of an effort to get the desired memorabilia.

He rarely, if ever, saw any of the Avengers. He did get the occasional call from Pepper Potts, Tony Stark’s near fiancé. He considered getting Tony to trace this particular card’s journey to his set, but decided against it. Phil needed to get the past behind him. His team needed him now.

Coulson was going to put the notebook up, but changed his mind. He opened it up and his eyes went back to the trading card. Everything seemed to go back to those days after Loki’s attack.

~*~

When Clint saw the large plane sitting on the tarmac at a private military airstrip in New York, he was taken aback. It was considered first rate tech. He had heard numerous stories of the Bus and the team which jetted around the world. Clint smiled. That was exactly what Phil had talked about. Nothing would make him happier than to be part of it.

He walked up the ramp into the plane and his eyes were drawn to the shiny red corvette. He was in awe of her.

“Her name is Lola.”

Clint turned around and standing above him on the walkway was Phil Coulson. He grinned a little.

“She’s beautiful. Too beautiful to even touch.”

“I don’t like anyone touching her.”

“Yeah, who would?”

“Come on up. I’ll get you a drink.”

Clint followed him to a lounge area and waited as Phil went behind the bar. “This is some setup.”

“Director Fury felt it was the least he could do given my so-called sacrifice.”

When Phil came out from behind the bar with two bottles of beer, Clint froze. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“You don’t like beer? I could fix you something else.”

“No, beer’s fine.” Clint was handed the bottle and he took a large gulp. “Thanks.”

“Have a seat.”

They both took the leather couch and Clint wished for some place more private.

“I was hoping you’d show up sooner.”

“I wanted to give you some time to recover and get yourself together after…” Clint didn’t finish and instead took another drink.

“Thanks. I appreciate that. It was important that I get on with my life after what happened.”

“Yeah?” Clint searched Coulson’s face for something…anything that would bring back their relationship. He was on the verge of blurting everything out.

“I do want you to know something, Agent Barton.”

Clint tightened his mouth together and gripped the bottle in his hand. At hearing his formal title spoken by his lover, he was ready to explode.

“I don’t blame you for what happened to me and I’m not the only one who feels this way. Loki was a very powerful god who was intent on taking over the planet. A lot of people feel the same.”

In the initial weeks after Loki’s assault on New York, Clint had felt the animosity and some had even refused to work with him. He didn’t blame anyone for their feelings. He had worked several assignments alone and some with Natasha as well. Time was healing the wounds and people were beginning to move past it.

“Thanks.” Clint finished off his beer and considered getting another. He watched Coulson take a drink from his own bottle. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Do you remember anything before Loki?”

“Not much actually. I remember Fury and I remember it hurt when Loki... “

 _So do I_ , thought Clint. “You’re better, right?”

“Yeah, I am.” Coulson leaned forward. “You know, the funniest thing happened not long ago. Director Fury sent over a present. It was my Captain America trading cards. He had them restored with the exception of some minor blood spatter that couldn’t be removed.”

“I heard that story how Fury got the team together.”

“I can tell you the day and the time I got each card. I know exactly how much I paid, where it came from and how it felt as the set grew. Except for one card. I don’t have a clue when or how I got it.”

Clint lowered his eyes and tore at the label of the empty beer bottle. “Maybe it was a gift.”

“Why wouldn’t I remember?” Phil shook his head. “Oh, well. I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, I guess not.” The ache in Clint’s gut was getting thick and more painful by the second. He needed to leave. “Do you remember the first time we worked together?”

“Yeah, New Mexico. The destroyer was a gold mine of tech.”

“I showed off my bow skills.”

“I remember. Franklin made me replace his cellphone. He was too scared to ask you. Why?”

“No reason.” Clint set the bottle down.

“Are you on assignment?”

“Between.” Clint stood up. “I just wanted to see how you were and to check out this cool plane.”

“We call it the Bus. I’ll give you a ride some time.”

“Maybe.” Clint headed for the door. “Fury thinks I need some time off.”

Phil stayed in his seat and before Clint could walk out, he said, “You should go to Tahiti. It’s a…”

Clint’s gaze never left Phil’s. If he said the words, he’d never get off the plane. Instead, he said, “Maybe in a few months I’ll go to Alaska.”

As soon as Clint was off the plane, it took him several minutes to get his raging emotions in control. He started to head towards the hanger and saw Fury getting out of a Lincoln Navigator. Clint headed over and was allowed inside.

Fury motioned for him and he went upstairs to the small office. As soon as they were alone, Clint lunged at Fury and slammed him against the wall.

“He doesn’t fucking remember me! The memory of us has been written out of his head! What the hell did you do?”

“An unfortunate side effect,” Fury simply said. “We don’t know how much of his memories were tampered with in the process.”

Clint released him. “It did more than that, Fury. What we did changed him. He’s different.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. He used to hate beer and now he drinks that instead of the Tom Collins he preferred after a hard day. He’s just different.”

“He’s been through a lot.”

“That thing did something to him and you know it.”

“We’re watching him. That’s all we can do.”

“That’s why I’m not on his team. You could’ve assigned me.”

“He didn’t ask for you, Agent Barton. I wasn’t going to volunteer you because we couldn’t chance on some other aftereffect we weren't prepared for.”

“You’re still waiting for something to happen…maybe even him doing something.”

“We’re trying to keep him as steady as possible until we have a better idea of how this thing plays out. You have to keep your distance.”

“How can he not remember?” Clint pushed his hand through his hair.

“Agent Barton…”

“Shut up! Don’t call me that again. I’m Hawkeye. The Hawk. Tell Coulson.” Clint couldn't take hearing it again from anyone. It was too close of a reminder of losing Phil.

Clint needed to leave before he lost it. He began walking out of the hanger across the tarmac. As he moved along, the emotions were boiling out of control. He broke into a sprint and ran as hard as he could until exhaustion overwhelmed him.

With him now being the only one with possession of their memories together, it was as if New Mexico and their entire relationship was only a figment of his imagination. He dropped to the hard cement almost in tears.

It took a few moments, but Clint got to his feet and turned to the Bus. Fury was shaking Coulson’s hand. They went into the plane together.

Clint began the walk back to his car and as he got inside, he remembered how Coulson use to nestle in close to him. He remembered being woke up in the early morning with Phil breathing whispered desires. He remembered the time they broke a shower curtain during a failed attempt at sex in a small shower. Clint would never forget the time that he had met Phil in Morocco.

On the way to his apartment, Clint stopped at stationary store. He found a large journal and took it home. It was stupid, but writing would be more personal. He didn’t want the cold technology for his love story.

No, it had to be written in a journal and with love. He would hide it away and someday in the far future if they were both alive, he would make sure Coulson got it.

Clint began with the words, “ _We’ll always have New Mexico_.”

 

END

**Author's Note:**

> After writing this thing, I couldn't get the story out of my head. The plan had been to leave it be until after the first season of Agents of Shield was complete. 
> 
> As of right now I am well into the sequel and there is no stopping until it's completed.


End file.
